I feel safer now

It’s always interesting to read the weekly campus police “Crime Report” in the printed version of the Kernel. (I’m sorry it doesn’t appear in the online version). The headline says it contains “selected reports”, but gives no indication as to what criteria the editors use for selection.

Most of the incidents are fairly mundane, a lot of theft reports, frequent reports of marijuana usage (on a college campus?), etc. I had to admire the thoroughness of the perpetrator(s) of “cordless phone and directions for phone stolen from pediatrics clinic”. No point in stealing a phone without the directions!

And sometimes I just have to be grateful that the cops are out there 24/7 protecting us from these incidents. Like the “60-year-old male carrying a pitcher of Coke and pouring it on the ground”. There’s no telling where that kind of criminal activity could lead if left unchecked.

And then there were the “four subjects attempting to skate on pond at the Gluck Equine Center”. I’m not sure whether the phrase “attempting to skate” was an indication of the officer’s opinion of their prowess on the ice. At 11:07 PM on a chilly Saturday night, one might reasonably assume the subject’s bloodstream contained reasonable levels of antifreeze, which might have somewhat hindered their “attempts”. But since the hockey team plays at midnight on Saturdays, it might just have been a pre-game warmup. Or maybe some wannabe walkons practicing in hopes of earning a spot on the team and a chance to meet Kylie.

I certainly feel safer knowing evil-doers like these are being brought to justice!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *