Campus Crime

Yet another installment in our irregular series about the evils and dangers from which our campus police are diligently protecting us.

“Suspicious circumstances reported … turkey in roadway” Unfortunately, there is no explanation as to just what was suspicious about this turkey. Maybe it’s an extension of all the anti-France mania, since Turkey wouldn’t let us use their military bases to launch our Iraq slaughter. I haven’t checked campus menus to see if all references to “turkey” have been removed.

“Disorder reported .. caller advised he and a woman disputing over parking space both had signals on to turn into” .. C’mon guy, grow up!! You get into a fight over a parking space, then whip out your cell phone and call the cops? They got more important stuff to worry about, like chasing turkeys. The scary part is I think I can guess who the woman was; it’s not out of character for a certain nameless individual who works (if you could call it that) in this building.

“Reported from Wildcat Lodge (the jock dorm) .. fans gathering close to building”. Geez, guys, I thought groupies were one of the perks of being a jock. What’s the matter, weren’t these pretty enough?

“Suspicious persons reported … two people under bushes” .. Hey .. give ’em a break .. it’s springtime fer cryin out loud. Whatever happened to just discreetly looking away as you walked past? Probably just a young couple literally interpreting a “Make Love not War” poster from one of the protests. At least they’re not stalking jocks.

“Television in dumpster reported” .. With all the crap on TV lately, who could be blamed for throwing one away? Is this now grounds for suspicion? I must have missed that clause in the Patriot Act. Does it matter what was on at the time it was thrown away? Would it be permissible to claim it was a patriotic act inspired by rage at the infamous “liberal media”?

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