If you find yourself as confused as I am about just how the mind of the average Republican works (rumor has it some of them actually do have minds, although probably not hearts), this might be helpful. A friend forwarded me this list of Republican beliefs that makes it all much clearer.
Things you must believe to remain a Republican today:
- Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery
- The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
- Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
- “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
- A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
- Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
- The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
- Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for Governor of California as a Republican.
- If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
- A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
- HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
- Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
- Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
- Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
- A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
- Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
- The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
- You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
- What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.
- Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
- 13. It is okay that the Bush family’s Carlyle Group has done millions of dollars of business with the Bin Laden
- Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for
your Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to
graduate from Yale without studying much, to dodge the draft in the
Texas Air National Guard, to bail out your company Harken Oil and the
Texas Rangers, to get the Governorship of Texas and then to have the
Supreme Court appoint you President of the USA.
- You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend
like there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren
will have to pay, while at the same refunding as much tax money as
possible to your campaign supporters.