Being perpetually single, I've apparently become woefully unaware of what constitutes an appropriately romantic gift for that special someone in these modern times. 'Tis the season when the media are saturated with advertisements from merchants reminding us that nothing says "I love you" better than whatever it is they're selling. The jewelry ads aren't surprising; diamonds apparently are forever. But I heard a pitch on the radio this morning that really surprised me. "Just in time for Valentine's Day", a diagnostic center is pushing gift certificates for virtual colonoscopy. Figuratively or anatomically, I never would have guessed that the way to a woman's heart is through her colon. I suppose after the card is opened, the loving couple drinks to each other's health with a glass of barium.